Pillar 1: Recognize
Recognizing Sexual Abuse in the Punjabi and Sikh Community in BC
The Recognize: Trust Your Gut pillar helps you recognize harm, understand grooming, question silence, and trust your instincts when something doesn’t feel right.
Sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual activity or behaviour that occurs without a person's freely given consent. Click to expand this section and read more.
This includes unwanted kissing, sexual touching, rape, sexual exploitation, and other forms of sexual violence.1 It also includes sexual harassment, which can involve "comments, behaviour, and unwanted sexual interactions which can take the form of jokes, catcalls, whistles, threats, or discriminatory remarks."2
Sexual abuse is not limited to physical force. Someone can be manipulated, pressured, threatened, deceived, or unable to legally consent because of their age, disability, or an imbalance of power.
Understanding the role of power is essential. Contrary to common misconceptions, sexual abuse is often less about sexual desire and more about power and control.
The NSVRC explains that:“Social norms that condone violence, use power over others, traditional constructs of masculinity and sexuality, the subjugation of women and people who are oppressed, and silence and shame about violence and abuse contribute to the occurrence of sexual violence.”3
This helps explain why abuse can occur in families, schools, sports organizations, Gurdwara’s, and in other Punjabi and Sikh spaces. Abuse thrives where trust is exploited.
"Grooming is the deliberate act of building trust with a child, teen, or at-risk adult... for the purpose of exploiting them sexually. Grooming typically starts with friendship, mentorship, or kindness that gradually turns into manipulation, control, and sexual abuse or assault."4
Grooming is not obvious and it does not happen overnight. Instead, it is the gradual process in which someone appears as caring, generous, protective, or deeply invested in someone’s well-being before slowly violating their boundaries.
This process can unfold over weeks, months, or years, making it difficult for survivors, and their loved ones, to recognize what is happening until significant harm has already occurred.
Sexual abuse does not only mean rape or physical assault. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)6, sexual violence can include:
• Rape or sexual assault
• Child sexual abuse and incest
• Sexual assault by a spouse or intimate partner
• Unwanted sexual touching
• Sexual harassment
• Sexual exploitation and trafficking
• Exposing one's genitals without consent
• Watching someone during private acts without their knowledge or permission (voyeurism)
• Non-consensual sharing of intimate images
• Other behaviours that violate a person's sexual boundaries or consent
Not every form of sexual abuse involves physical violence. Some forms involve coercion, manipulation, harassment, intimidation, or violations of privacy. Every violation of consent deserves to be taken seriously.
People assume that sexual abuse is usually committed by strangers. In contrast, around 80% of sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the survivor7 8 9, such as a family member, friend, neighbour, partner, mentor, or community member.
This is especially important to recognize within Punjabi and Sikh communities, where relationships are often built on trust and familiarity. A survivor's abuser may be someone their family knows, someone who is respected in the community, or someone who holds a position of leadership or influence. This can make disclosure especially difficult, as survivors may fear they will not be believed or worry about the impact on their family or community.
Survivors often have to face the question, “did they physically force you?” This question is misguided and ignorant. Many survivors are manipulated, pressured, threatened, groomed, or freeze in fear rather than physically resisting. Others may feel unable to say no because of an imbalance of power, age, authority, or dependence.
As discussed earlier, sexual abuse is often an act of power and control, rather than sexual desire alone. A lack of physical injuries or visible resistance does not make the abuse any less real.
Many survivors never report because they fear they won't be believed, worry about retaliation, or fear being blamed for what happened. Others remain silent because they are trying to protect family relationships or avoid further trauma.
Research published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence10 found that many survivors who reported sexual assault to police did so with the hope that they would be protected and that justice would be served. Instead, many described experiencing insensitive questioning, victim-blaming, limited investigation, and little or no follow-up after making their report. These experiences left many survivors feeling dismissed by the very institutions they turned to for help.
The study also notes that less than 5% of sexual assaults are reported to police, and that among those reports, approximately one in five were historically classified by police as "unfounded," meaning officers concluded that no crime had occurred, even though research consistently shows that intentionally false reports of sexual assault are relatively uncommon.
Within Punjabi and Sikh communities, these barriers can be even more complex. Survivors may fear that reporting will lead to family conflict, damage their family's reputation (izzat), or result in them being blamed rather than supported. When survivors see others who speak out being dismissed, disbelieved, or pressured into silence, it can reinforce the belief that reporting is not worth the emotional cost.
This does not mean survivors should never report. Every survivor deserves to make the decision that feels safest and right for them. Whether someone chooses to report immediately, years later, or not at all, their experience is still valid, and they deserve to be believed, supported, and treated with dignity.
Statistics Canada reports that:11
• Approximately 4.7 million women in Canada — 30% of all women aged 15 and older — have been sexually assaulted outside of an intimate relationship at least once since age 15.• Almost 1 in 10 Canadians experienced at least one type of sexual abuse before age 15. Women were 3 times more likely than men to have been sexually abused by an adult during childhood.• Nearly 1 in 3 women has experienced unwanted sexual behaviour in a public place, including unwanted sexual attention or unwanted physical contact.• Nearly 1 in 10 Canadians experienced sexual abuse before the age of 15.
These statistics remind us that sexual abuse is both common and often hidden. By challenging misconceptions and recognizing the many forms sexual abuse can take, we can better support survivors, hold perpetrators accountable, and build safer Punjabi and Sikh communities.
While children are especially vulnerable, anyone can be groomed if there is an imbalance of power, trust or dependence.
RAINN explains that children are:
“Most at risk because they are still developing their understanding of boundaries, trust, and relationships. Adults are often in positions of authority, which creates an imbalance of power.”12
Children are often taught to respect adults without question. In many Punjabi and Sikh families, they may also be encouraged to unquestioningly respect older relatives, family friends, religious leaders, teachers, or community elders. While respect is an important value, perpetrators may exploit this cultural expectation to gain trust and avoid scrutiny.
Adults, however, can also be groomed.
The Campaign Against Adult Grooming explains:
"Adult grooming is the adult equivalent to child grooming and applies to any behaviour where an adult is deliberately prepared in order for abusive behaviour, manipulation or exploitation to occur later." 13
Adults may become vulnerable during periods of loneliness, grief, financial hardship, immigration, disability, or emotional dependence. Patriarchal norms within many Punjabi and Sikh families can also create opportunities for grooming. Women may be encouraged to seek guidance from or defer to older men, religious leaders, or other respected figures without questioning their intentions. Perpetrators may misuse this trust and authority to create emotional dependence before exploiting it.
Many community leaders and sevadars serve with integrity and compassion. However, a position of respect or religious leadership should never be mistaken for immunity from accountability. Trust should be earned through healthy boundaries and ethical conduct - not assumed because of someone's title or reputation.
Research by Dr. Elizabeth Jeglic14 identifies five common stages of grooming.
Grooming is about patterns, not isolated actions.
Some behaviours that should raise concern include: 16
As a parent, the following signs might indicate that your child is being groomed: 17
These behaviours do not necessarily indicate grooming on their own. However, when several of these warning signs occur together or escalate over time, particularly alongside secrecy, isolation, or inappropriate boundary-crossing, they may signal grooming or another form of abuse. Paying attention to patterns, rather than isolated incidents, can help protect children and young people.
Sikhi teaches that every individual has a direct relationship with Waheguru. Gurbani reminds us –
ਮਨ ਤੂੰ ਜੋਤਿ ਸਰੂਪੁ ਹੈ ਆਪਣਾ ਮੂਲੁ ਪਛਾਣੁ ॥ 20
O my mind, you are the embodiment of the Divine Light - recognize your own origin. (Ang 441 of Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji)
– emphasizing that the Divine Light resides within all of us.
Beyond this, Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji gave every Sikh the command to believe in Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaaj as the eternal Guru.
ਸਭ ਸਿਖਨ ਕੋ ਹੁਕਮ ਹੈ ਗੁਰੂ ਮਾਨਿਓ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ
It is the command to all Sikhs: Recognize Sri Guru Granth Sahib as your Guru.
While spiritual teachers, kathavachaks, granthis, and sevadars can help us understand Gurbani(Sikh Scriptures) or Ithihaas(Sikh history), no human being should position themselves as the necessary pathway to Waheguru(God) or demand harmful obedience as a condition of spiritual growth.
Spiritual abuse begins when someone uses that respect given to spiritual teachers to place themselves, rather than Waheguru, at the centre of another person's spiritual journey.
This may look like someone:
Spiritual abuse can profoundly affect an individual's relationship with their faith (Waheguru, prayer, and places of worship), their community (sangat, family, and friends), and themselves, including their sense of identity and understanding of who they are.
Spiritual abuse can lead to lasting psychological and emotional harm,21 making it difficult for survivors to trust others, feel safe in religious spaces, or seek support from faith communities. Because religion and scripture have been used to manipulate or control them, many survivors experience a crisis of faith, questioning what they believe and whether they can continue to trust the spiritual community that once brought them comfort.
Survivors may also experience feelings of powerlessness, self-blame, anger, isolation, and a loss of identity. These responses are not signs of weak faith. Instead, they are common responses to betrayal and coercion.
Healing often involves reclaiming both one's sense of self and one's personal relationship with Waheguru.
Many Sikh teachers, kathavachaks, granthis, and sevadars serve their communities with integrity and humility. This section is not about discouraging spiritual learning or mentorship.
Rather, it is a reminder that no spiritual leader should require unquestioning obedience, discourage healthy boundaries, or make someone feel that access to Waheguru depends on them. Healthy spiritual guidance points people toward Guru Sahib, not toward dependence on another human being.
Fear of community judgement is one of the most commonly reported reasons survivors remain silent.
According to Sikh Women's Aid, many survivors fear bringing shame upon their families or disrupting relationships within the community. Their national report from the UK, based on responses from nearly 700 Sikh women, found that 70% had experienced domestic abuse, more than one-third had experienced child sexual abuse, and most knew the person who harmed them (The Guardian, 2021).
Organizations like Daya Houston,23 which supports South Asian survivors, also identifies stigma, honour, and fear of community backlash as significant barriers to seeking help.
Research on self-silencing among Punjabi women24 found that many women learn to suppress their own thoughts and emotions in order to preserve family harmony and avoid conflict. While these cultural expectations do not cause abuse, they can make it much harder to recognize abuse, disclose it, or seek support.
Creating safer Punjabi and Sikh communities means shifting the conversation from protecting reputations to protecting people. Supporting survivors and holding those who cause harm accountable is not a rejection of our culture or faith; it is a reflection of the justice and compassion integral to Punjabi and Sikh identities.
Power changes the meaning of consent.
As Teresa Blythe asks:"How much consent does a person really have if the one pursuing them is a trusted, powerful force in their life? How does one have mutuality with someone so high on a pedestal?28
"This is especially important when considering relationships involving spiritual leaders, teachers, mentors, elders within family, elders within community, coaches, employers, or anyone in a position of authority. When one person holds significant emotional, spiritual, or social power over another, it can become difficult – or even impossible – for consent to be truly free.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and the freedom to set boundaries without fear of consequences.
Trauma-informed somatic research30 suggests that our bodies often register signals of comfort or alarm before our conscious mind does.
As a survivor, you might notice:
Trauma can also affect your emotional and mental well-being. Survivors of sexual abuse may experience symptoms such as anxiety, depression, unexplained mood changes, sleep disturbances, nightmares, difficulty trusting others, withdrawal from relationships, or changes in personality or behaviour.31 31Some people may also notice frequent headaches, stomach aches, or other physical symptoms that do not have an obvious medical explanation.32 These experiences do not automatically mean someone has experienced sexual abuse, but they can be signs that something is wrong and deserve attention.
Grooming and abuse often involve gaslighting – a form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their own memories, perceptions, or reality.
Gaslighting is a pattern of behaviour in which someone manipulates another person into doubting their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Over time, this can leave a person feeling confused, anxious, isolated, and increasingly dependent on the person manipulating them.33
Someone who is gaslighting may say things like:
Over time, you may begin to question your own instincts and wonder whether you are the problem.
You may catch yourself thinking:
If someone consistently leaves you feeling confused, ashamed, guilty, or questioning your own experiences, that confusion deserves attention. Your feelings are valid, even if someone else repeatedly tells you they are not.
