Pillar 2: Respond
Getting Help for Sexual Abuse in the Punjabi and Sikh Community
The Respond: You’re Not Alone pillar helps the Punjabi and Sikh community understand how to get help, find trusted support, and respond safely when harm happens.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
If you have been sexually assaulted and need urgent medical care, go to your nearest emergency department. In the Lower Mainland, the BC Women's Sexual Assault Service1 provides specialized care for survivors.
Healthcare providers can:
If the situation is not an emergency but you would like to speak with police, you can contact your local police department's non-emergency line.
The non-emergency numbers for the following areas are:
If your city was not listed above, you may use the following link to find the non-emergency number of your local police department: https://www.ecomm911.ca/non-emergency-calls/find-your-local-non-emergency-numbers/
If you feel safe doing so, consider reaching out to someone you trust. This could be a friend, family member, teacher, counsellor, Elder, healthcare provider, or another supportive person. If you are a minor, please reach out to a trusted adult. You deserve to be heard.
Sometimes, the first person you tell may not respond in the way you hoped. They may not understand, they may minimize what happened, or they may not know how to help. If this happens, please don't give up. Their response does not determine the truth of your experience or your worth.
Keep looking for someone who will listen with compassion and will help you access the support you deserve.
Whether the abuse happened recently or many years ago, you deserve support. Healing looks different for everyone, and you do not have to navigate that journey on your own.
Salal's 24-Hour Crisis & Information Line is a free, confidential service for anyone who has experienced sexualized violence or for someone supporting a survivor. Whether something happened recently, years ago, or you're simply unsure how to make sense of an experience, you are welcome to reach out. You do not have to be in immediate crisis to call.
You can contact Salal if you:
A trained support worker will listen to you with compassion and without judgment. You can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable sharing. You do not have to give your name or any identifying information if you do not want to.
Your conversation is confidential, and you remain in control. The support worker can help you understand your options, answer questions, discuss ways to stay safe, and connect you with additional resources if you would like. They will not pressure you to report to the police or tell you what you have to do. You can end the conversation whenever you wish.
If you decide you would like additional support, Salal also offers counselling, support groups, legal and reporting support, and can accompany survivors to the hospital or police if they choose to access those services.
Many people imagine that someone who experiences sexual abuse will immediately fight back, tell someone, or report what happened. However, trauma does not always work this way.
In addition to "fight or flight," the body can enter a freeze response, an involuntary survival response that can leave a person physically unable to move, resist, or speak. This reaction is especially common when abuse occurs unexpectedly or is committed by someone the survivor knows and trusts. Survivors may spend months or years trying to understand what happened before feeling ready to tell anyone.3
Across many cultures - including our Punjabi community - family reputation, community expectations, and fear of bringing shame can become significant barriers to seeking help.
Survivors may worry about:
Research also shows that many girls and women are socialized from a young age to be polite, respectful, and accommodating. This pressure to "be nice" can make it incredibly difficult to challenge inappropriate behaviour, say no to someone in a position of authority, or disclose abuse later.4 These expectations can be intensified within close-knit communities where respect for elders and family harmony are highly valued.
Reporting abuse becomes even more difficult when the person responsible is someone respected within the community.
Whether the individual is a family member, teacher, coach, employer, granthi, kirtani, committee member, or another trusted leader, survivors may fear that the person's reputation, authority, or influence will outweigh their own voice. They may worry that people will defend the abuser, question their credibility, or accuse them of trying to create conflict. Research has consistently shown that survivors often fear they will not be believed and that speaking up could jeopardize their education, career, relationships, or standing within their community.5
One of the greatest barriers to seeking help is the fear of what happens after disclosure.
Recent research examining survivors' experiences within faith communities found that many people encountered what researchers described as repeated "stop signs"6 – subtle and overt messages that their voices were unwelcome. Rather than receiving compassion and practical support, survivors described being redirected, minimized, or encouraged simply to pray more, repent, forgive, or remain silent.
Several participants described feeling that they, not the abuse, had become the problem. Others spoke of feeling re-traumatized, betrayed, and abandoned when the people they trusted chose to protect institutions or avoid difficult conversations rather than support them. These responses can discourage survivors from seeking help again and deepen the impact of the original abuse.7
Like many communities, Sikh communities are not immune to sexual abuse. Sikh organizations and advocates have acknowledged that survivors often face additional barriers when abuse occurs within Sikh spaces.
Community advocates have highlighted that some survivors have watched respected religious figures or influential individuals continue to receive support even after allegations became known.8 In these situations, institutions may prioritize protecting reputations over protecting survivors. This can leave survivors feeling isolated and send the message that speaking up will not lead to meaningful change.
Sikh organizations have also identified practical barriers within many gurdwaras, including:
These barriers are not reflections of Sikh teachings. Rather, they highlight areas where Sikh institutions and communities continue to grow in creating safer, more supportive environments for everyone.9
If any of these barriers feel familiar, you are not alone. Fear, confusion, shame, loyalty to family, concern for your community, or uncertainty about what might happen next are all common responses. You deserve to be listened to with compassion, treated with dignity, and supported without judgment.
A trusted person is someone who makes you feel safe, respected, and heard. This person does not need to have all the answers, but they should be willing to listen without judgment, respect your choices, and support you in whatever way you need.
A trusted person might be:
At the same time, a person's age, title, or position within the community does not automatically make them a safe person to disclose to. Trust is built through consistent respect, compassion, confidentiality, and healthy boundaries – not simply through authority or status.
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. They are simply intended to help you choose someone who is most likely to support you in the way you need.
Not everyone has the knowledge, emotional maturity, or capacity to respond to a disclosure in a supportive way. If the first person you tell dismisses your experience, questions your story, blames you, pressures you, or minimizes what happened, that response does not define the truth of your experience.
Sometimes people respond poorly because they are uncomfortable, uninformed, or unsure of what to say. While that may explain their reaction, it does not excuse it.
If it is safe to do so, consider reaching out to another trusted person. You deserve to be believed, treated with dignity, and supported with compassion. No one else's response determines the truth of your experience. Your story belongs to you, and your healing should never depend on someone else's ability or willingness to understand it. Keep reaching toward the people, resources, and supports that help you heal, and remember that your healing belongs to you.
One of the most important ways to support someone is by taking a survivor-centred approach. This means recognizing that the survivor should remain in control of what they share, what support they receive, and what steps they choose to take next.
A survivor-centred approach prioritizes the survivor's:
For many survivors, having control taken away during the abuse was part of the trauma itself. Respecting their choices during disclosure helps restore some of that control and reduces the risk of further harm or re-traumatization.15
You do not need to be a counsellor or an expert to make a meaningful difference. Often, your presence, compassion, and willingness to listen are what matter most.
A trusted person can:
Even well-intentioned responses can unintentionally cause harm.
Avoid:
Avoid statements such as:
These comments may seem harmless, but they can communicate blame, minimize the survivor's experience, or make them feel responsible for what happened.17
Sexual assault is never the survivor's fault. It does not matter what someone was wearing, where they were, who they were with, or what decisions they made beforehand. Responsibility lies solely with the person who chose to commit the abuse.18
Victim-blaming occurs when responsibility for the abuse is placed, fully or partially, on the survivor rather than the perpetrator. This can come from friends, family members, professionals, the media, or community members, and often discourages survivors from seeking help or reporting what happened.19
Research from Statistics Canada found that one in five survivors of sexual assault reported feeling blamed for their own victimization, most commonly by the perpetrator, friends, or family members. These responses can deepen trauma and make recovery more difficult.20
Victim-blaming often says more about society than it does about the survivor. It is often influenced by unconscious psychological biases that people use to make sense of traumatic events.
Research has identified several psychological reasons why people may defend perpetrators or question survivors. While researchers have identified these patterns of thinking, they are not healthy, accurate, or appropriate ways of understanding sexual violence. Instead, they shift responsibility away from the perpetrator and unfairly place it on the survivor.
The Just World Hypothesis suggests that people have a deep psychological need to believe the world is fair, predictable, and that people generally get what they deserve. When they are confronted with the reality that something horrific happened to an innocent person, it can create significant discomfort because it challenges their sense of safety and control. To reduce this discomfort, some people may unconsciously search for something the survivor "did wrong" to explain the abuse. In doing so, the focus shifts from supporting the survivor to protecting the listener's own sense of security. This way of thinking is harmful because it overlooks the reality that sexual abuse is caused by the perpetrator's choices, not by anything the survivor did.21
Attribution Error is the tendency to explain another person's experiences by focusing primarily on their personal choices, behaviour, or character while overlooking the broader situational factors that influenced what happened. In cases of sexual abuse, this can lead people to ask questions such as "Why did they go there?" or "Why didn't they leave?" instead of examining the perpetrator's actions, manipulation, abuse of power, or coercion. This way of thinking oversimplifies complex situations and shifts attention away from the person who committed the abuse. Rather than being survivor-centred, it becomes focused on scrutinizing the survivor's decisions, despite the fact that responsibility for sexual violence always rests with the perpetrator.22
Invulnerability Theory suggests that people sometimes blame survivors because doing so helps them feel safer. The Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime explains that people may think, "She was raped because she walked home alone in the dark. I would never do that, so I won't be raped." This creates a false sense of security by implying that sexual assault only happens because someone made the "wrong" choice. Believing this can make others feel safer by convincing themselves that the same thing could never happen to them. In reality, no decision a survivor makes causes sexual assault. The responsibility always lies with the perpetrator.23
Within Sikh and Punjabi communities, this can become even more complicated when allegations involve respected or influential individuals such as granthis, kathavachaks, ragis, ustaads, sevadars, or other respected community leaders. These are often people who have been entrusted with guiding the sangat, teaching Gurbani, and helping others build a relationship with Guru Sahib. The idea that someone in such a respected position could misuse that trust can feel deeply unsettling. Many people struggle to accept that someone viewed as a religious leader, mentor, or pillar of the community could cause harm. Defending the person's reputation may feel easier than confronting the painful reality that trusted individuals can abuse their power. However, protecting reputations at the expense of survivors only reinforces silence and allows abuse to continue. Our discomfort should never outweigh a survivor's right to be heard with compassion and fairness. Being respected within a community does not place someone above accountability, nor should it prevent allegations from being taken seriously.24
Ultimately, becoming a trusted person means choosing compassion over judgment, listening over questioning, and believing survivors rather than protecting harmful systems or individuals. Even if you cannot change what happened, your response can profoundly influence whether someone feels safe enough to begin healing.
Before taking action, consider the ABC approach, adapted from the University of Cambridge's Breaking the Silence bystander intervention guidance.27
Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it is worth paying attention.
If it feels safe, address the behaviour directly.
Examples:
Stay calm, focus on the behaviour, and avoid escalating the situation.
Sometimes the safest approach is to interrupt without confrontation.
You might:
The goal is simply to create an opportunity for them to leave the situation.
You don't have to handle everything yourself.
Ask a trusted adult, teacher, event organizer, coach, gurdwara volunteer, security staff, family member, or another bystander to step in. Calling for help is an effective form of intervention—not a failure to act.
Sometimes it isn't safe to intervene in the moment.
If that's the case, check in afterward. Ask the person if they're okay, let them know you noticed what happened, and offer to help them connect with support if they would like it.
Even after the moment has passed, your support can make a meaningful difference.
Sometimes documenting what happened can help preserve evidence, but only if someone else is already helping the person who has been harmed. If no one is helping them, your priority should be supporting them first using another form of intervention.
If you choose to document an incident:
Not every situation requires a dramatic intervention. Sometimes a simple question like, "Are you okay?" or "Do you want to come sit with us?" can interrupt grooming, help someone leave an uncomfortable situation, or remind them that someone noticed.
By looking out for one another, we help create families, schools, workplaces, sports teams, and Sikh or Punjabi spaces where abuse is less able to happen in silence.
